Diet Disasters

I like the way my friend Lindsay worded her July 4th weekend as an all-encompassing diet disaster, so I'm totes stealing that. Thanks Linds!! By the way, I just caught myself up on her blog and can we all giver her a standing ovation? She has lost over 50 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the what? GO LINDSAY!! WOO WOO! I would comment on her blog and tell her how wonderful she is, but alas the blogspot-o-sphere is being evil lately and it seems that making a comment on someone's blog is the equivalent to solving world peace. It simply cannot be done.

Anyway, today's blog will be long for two reasons: 1. I have not written an entry since sometime last week, and a lot of Thintervention disasters have since happened. 2. I am a hot damn mess right now over non-Thintervention items and I feel the need to vent, even if only a little. Or maybe a lot.

First thing's first: July 4th weekend + Thintervention = recipe for disaster. Actually, it started well before the weekend. I spent at least two nights last week over at a friend's house just hanging out. And involved in that hanging out was wine, beer, vodka - you name it. We had fruity drinks, not-so-fruity drinks, etc. And then that of course ended with a 1AM run to McDonald's. Have I learned nothing? Yup. Appears to be the case.

Then this weekend comes. I did great Friday night in the sense that I did not go out. However, that did not matter because instead I ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut. Epic fail. Then Saturday my sister and I decided to waste the day away lounging poolside at my apartment. All well and good....except for two things. 1. Wine comes in mini-plastic bottles. Did ya'll know that? It practically demanded us to sit and drink wine all day. and 2. Pizza Hut is indeed willing to deliver straight to the pool if you don't want to get out, dry off, and walk back to your apartment. So I had Pizza Hut - AGAIN!! I mean, he brought it to our deck chairs at the POOL. Something just came over me.

Then comes Sunday. Did I repent for my hellish ways? Did I exercise and burn a zillion calories and make up for the last four days? Um, no. Went to my sister's house. Made a pitcher of Sangria, laid on the deck ALL day - for seriously 8 hours - and let the sprinkler keep us cool. We drank the entire pitcher of Sangria (and by we I mostly mean me), ate chips and salsa, junk food, and MADE FREAKING S'MORES. Thats right people. Sangria and s'mores. Then my awesome cousin Jason hand-delivered us dinner that night. He had slow-roasted/grilled some meat for the 4th of July and was kind enough to offer curbside delivery. And by curbside, I mean our asses were too lazy to get out of our chairs so he brought it out on the deck.

And finally yesterday. The end to my trainwreck. I didn't leave my apartment yesterday. Not once. But what did I do? Ordered pizza. I was already so lethargic from the weekend and had had some form of pizza, chocolate and/or alcohol every day for 5 days straight so at that point I just said screw it and called in for delivery.

So Lindsday - if you're reading this, feel better my friend. Your weekend was an ad for Weight Watchers compared to my hell-rat spree. If anything good came out of it all it is that I have zero desire to eat or drink this week, and if I never have pizza again it will be too soon. Woof.

Okay, so anyway - can I take a brief moment to vent? Cryptically? Life has recently attempted to teach me some nice, valuable lessons. Lessons that I have learned before, many years ago. And by "learned", I apparently mean went in one ear and out the other, right? What is it that has taught me to measure my own self-worth based upon what someone else thinks of me? When did I become that person?  I have literally gotten to the point of deciding whether or not I had a good day based upon how an interaction with someone went, etc. And at what point did I start thinking that my size and shape are not only determining factors in how I feel, but are the number ONE determining factors in how I feel? And WHEN did I decide that lowering my self-standards in an attempt to gain some type of confirmation or adoration of ANY kind is okay? Does anyone else go through ANY of this? I feel like I am lacking the strength to be me, and that my focus is so far gone that I'm not sure if it is even possible to get back. I have even found myself uttering phrases like, "If I can lose 30 more pounds, then I can/will....fill-in-the-blank......" The worst part of it all is that I've done this before, and thought I learned my lesson but clearly did not. I know all of this sounds like rambling and is confusing and makes no sense. I don't particularly want to elaborate with details, but I just wanted to attempt to get some things off my mind this morning. I already said it but I'm gonna say it again: What is it that has taught me to measure my own self-worth based upon what someone else thinks of me?

And lastly, but not leastly - why is it, that even when harsh reality is being handed to me on a silver platter, I look the other way and create what I want to be my reality? Kind of like selective listening. I hear what I want to hear, and ignore those parts that I don't want to hear. And if you do that consistenly enough, you know what happens? A false sense of reality. Because I editout all the bad parts, and live in my world of happy fluffy bunnies. And then when the moment comes that the bad parts inevitably creep their way back in, I act shocked - like I never saw them coming. Even though I personally deflected them out in the first place.

Okay, I'll spare you all any further ramblings today. My apologies for the lack of love, light and laughter today. But every day can't be rosy, right?

Moving right along,
Micha